It’s one of the hideous insults based in fact that ODTBX used to hurl at me. In a world that values honesty this is a hard thing to admit publicly…as people will wonder if i indeed got over it or if it’s simply another lie – but it is my truth, so to not admit it would be dishonest. I was an accomplished liar.
It wasn’t a case of not knowing right from wrong, but in a habit acquired for protection in early childhood.
In my head I justified them as stories.
I would later – as I strived to learn and live better and began to value honesty and fidelity learned to lie by omission – telling the truth only to the point it would not incriminate or shed any bad light on me.
But in the early years, when he’d first met me – I was a liar. I know and acknowledge that to be true.
I can’t turn back time and take a thing back – all I can do is acknowledge, apologize, learn and grow.
The problem was (and in many ways still is) ODTBX never forgot and forgiveness only lasted till the next time he felt bad and remembered the person I was.
And at some point, I realized 2 things –
1. That all the changes in the world would never be enough to erase in his mind the things I’d once done…
2. That making the changes for him would only continue to kill me from the inside…I had to make changes for me – not anyone else.
i am so blessed that The Locksmith gets this…allows me to be me without reservation.
I have never lied to him and I don’t imagine a circumstance in which I ever would – except maybe if I decided to throw him a surprise party and had to lie to keep it a surprise.
It’s not a part of me the way it had to be before.
It started young, the way it does with so many kids- even ones with reasonably good childhoods from what I hear – wishing that they would find out they were adopted and really a princess.
Only in my fantasies i had rich friends with dramatic lives and I took it a step farther and created elaborate fantasies about my life and told them as truth to friends (the few I actually had) at school.
I don’t know if they believed me, but it was better to have them think me a liar than to know that my dad was often angry and sometimes erupted in violence. I don’t know why I figured that I just did.
According to what I’ve read it’s a common kind of thing – the crazy story telling lies in kids from abusive home…he didn’t have that symptom, but I did.
But by the time I met ODTBX I hated my dad so instead of talking of fake friends I told of a dad who committed worse crimes and made my sexual past fairly pristine…I didn’t claim complete inexperience but definitely lowered the number of notches I’d accumulated prior to meeting him.
i was an accomplished liar as ODTBX and when I the true story began to emerge as even accomplished liars can’t continue a lie forever…the consequences were he had more reason to berate me, call me names and consider me worthy of punishment.
Perhaps if i had known who the forever people in my life were going to be I wouldn’t have lied. But then if we’d broken up the first time I tried it would not have made a difference, those early lies.
But he wouldn’t shake and I didn’t find the strength to go for 22 years…forever the liar, the cheater, the skank…because it’s okay to hit a liar once in a while because everyone knows lying is wrong.
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