I didn’t realize it until he became Prime Minister, how much jealousy still raged inside. I thought I had let that go. It rarely blipped my radar when the election raged on for so, so interminably long. I thought I had forgotten. It’s been years since I thought about it. I thought it had been laid to rest.
I thought wrong.
The sudden force of envy that came erupting out of me as I watched the footage. A supportive spouse, beautiful children…and most of all his mother. That’s what put me over the edge. He still has what we had in common. And that’s what made me cry.
His mother made me cry. Made me miss mine with a force I haven’t felt since she was first gone.
My mother had the same mental diagnosis. A very different fate, but the same imbalance inside.
And that’s where the envy came from. The different fate part. I didn’t want to deal with it again. But there it was. The gaping hole of need – of wishing things had been different. And separating it again from the man who is now Prime Minister.
So I cried and I raged. It’s not like I want to be Justin Trudeau. I don’t want to be Prime Minister or have the life that led to it, so there’s really no point in wishing I had it. I wanted to interview the Prime Minister as a news anchor. but that’s quite a different thing. And I don’t want it anymore…haven’t in years and years.
So where did it come from – so fast and so strong – should I ruminate on that? Or just be glad that it’s gone.
It seems so petty. And really, in the end it IS petty and pointless. To be jealous of what other people have. Everyone has tragedies. He’s lost a brother and a father. In comparison, I haven’t lost so much.
But what it did help me do, this realizing that I hadn’t worked this jealousy thing to death quite yet, was identify a little more of what I do want and remember once more what it is to turn a negative feeling into inspiration.
And I have to admit, the man makes it impossible not to be inspired. That WE Speech was beyond cool. Beyond inspiring. I think it helped me let go of the jealousy.
He has his path, I have mine.
They aren’t so far apart in thought.
And we both want hope and healing and to be a part of changing the world.
So I guess we’re cool now. And I’m not jealous anymore.
But I still miss my mom.
And my kids.
Envy and jealousy are often recurring themes in recovery, whether it’s because a spouse has been unfaithful or being jealous of the “normal” families that have it all together – maintaining and nurturing those feelings and the thoughts that bring them is ultimately destructive. It can be hard to let go, but doing so frees you to focus on what really matters, loving you and living your purpose in the light.
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