It’s time to get real about what I am. And what I’m not.
The truth of the matter is I really no longer identify with being a Christian.
I’ve been wrestling with this concept, this idea that I am not who I purport to be, for many months now. Trying to discern what I believe, what I don’t.
I believe in God. Still.
But not the way I used to. Not in the bible believing, trusting and hopeful way.
Not in the way that Christians are supposed to.
When I’m completely honest with myself, I’m not sure I ever did.
I was desperate when I came to the Lord. Joining the flock through a prayer on Yahoo Instant Messenger. Crying out into the night as my then husband continued to drink and belittle me, I was the perfect image of hopelessness searching for answers and meaning beyond myself.
I was looking for hope. I was looking for escape. I was looking for a way to make sense of my life and the mess I had made of it. I was ripe for the messages of grace and forgiveness and prescriptions for a better life.
And while it seems like I found it, for a while at least, looking back it was never the right fit for me. It was a game of pretend that captured my thoughts, but not my heart.
And it’s time to let it go.
In the name of honesty, transparency, truth – I can’t go on calling myself a Christian.
I’m grateful (mostly) for the relationships I developed over the years, the things I’ve learned about life, and the support I’ve received. I will miss those who will choose to no longer associate with me due to my defection from the fold.
But I won’t miss the hypocrisy of holier than thou attitudes or the guilt from not measuring up to preconceived notions of what life should be.
I’ll hold on to the practice of prayer and my commitment to living out (as well as I’m able) the golden rule in my words and actions. These have served me well and bringing me peace and clarity.
But pretending I’m something I’m not? Yeah, I’m done with that.
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