I’ve been struggling with that lately. I just can’t seem to put on my big girl panties and just deal with the important shit and get on with my life. Why can’t I live up to my own ideals and push through the inertia and to make things happen?
The logical side of me says, “Because I’ve had a shitload of practice and it’s hard to break bad habits!”
The other side of me says, “Bullshit – it’s because you’ve never done the work.”
Both parts of me are right.
I started practicing avoidance and escapism when I was around 8. At least that’s the first I recall reading for hours and creating fantastic fictions about my reality. That was when I first started using distraction to keep from doing the hard things – which at the time amounted to math homework.
As an adult it’s meant avoiding paperwork like taxes, neglecting my health by avoiding the doctor and at least a thousand other tasks that I avoid while normal adults trudge through and just take care of. There’s been a high cost – personally, professionally and financially – I’m nearly 41 and tackling reality in an adult manner has always been hit or miss.
It’s something I’m actively working on conquering now.
The cost of avoidance has been much more than I begin to calculate, preventing me from living a full life – every time I’ve fallen on my face I’ve had the excuse that I didn’t really follow the directions, that I didn’t do all the work, that it was really all okay because I did it wrong.
Giving up that last bastion of denial is going to be a hard battle.
I’m ready to fight.
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